Highway Humor
Trucking stories
The DOT and Me
The DOT or Department of Transpiration governs among other things interstate and intrastate trucking in the US. Though there are a lot of us drivers that sometimes feel they are no more than a source of revenue for the states. Their primary function is safety and compliance. And in the years that I drove I usually had nothing but respect for the DOT. However there were a couple times that I can honestly say I felt persecuted at best.
My own uncle served as a lieutenant with the Oregon DOT and during my rookie years he got a lot of phone calls for advice. As well, I used to take advantage of the opportunity whenever I was in Oregon to get my truck and trailer inspected by his staff. Since I knew this would get me a new inspection sticker that would ease the scrutiny at other scales around he country. (especially California)
Since one of their primary duties is compliance to safety regulations I respect that. However to often they spend their day sitting in the median sucking Neihi's and chewing on doughnut's playing speed cop. That is not their job! True speed is a safety function but their job is making sure drivers and their trucks meet a strict set of standards. A purpose best served if they remain at the chicken coop (Scale house) where they belong. Weight tickets bring in just as much revenue as chasing trucks down the road. Sadly many of these ''want to be” trooper's would rather play cop than accept they are diesel cops.
There are three things every driver should do to avoid problems with the DOT officers. One keep your truck clean. They are looking for trucks that may not be getting the attention they need. A filthy truck screams neglect. This is one of the easiest things a driver can do to avoid scrutiny. Especially since most drivers will drive past a half dozen truck washes in a day. A $30.00 investment that could save you an inspection and delays.
Two keep logs current, even if your fudging the facts. If the officer opens the logbook and finds it current and neat they nearly never look any further.
And three those inspection stickers I just mentioned, if it is this years and within two quarters, chances are you will not be inspected. Why inspect a truck that is obviously in compliance?
99% of the DOT officers I've met were just doing their job. Professional, courteous and helpful. They were not targeting anyone or any company. But that is the good officers and thank God they are a majority. In 15 years I was placed out of service five times. Two my own fault, running past my available log hours by about three hours. And a super single tire that I failed to notice was wearing real thin on tread. The other three were all mechanical and things I could not see in a pre-trip inspection.
One an air line that had worn through at a fitting. I'm thankful that the Utah officer caught that since I was preparing to head down the slide in a few more miles. Missouri stopped me for an alignment spacer that had fallen off. Again something that is not even a part of the pre-trip inspection.
They also put me out of service once for a brake adjustment. While adjusting the brake I realized I had a bigger problem, a cracked hub. But the hairline crack was only visible from under the truck and just visible. I adjusted the brake had it reinspected, praying it would not snap when pressure was applied. Then once it was given a green light I backed it off to avoid snapping the hub. Then I drove down the road to the first place I could park and called it in to get the hub replaced. Technically I should never have drove it like that. But by taking the truck to a shop I saved my company a service call and another $300 or $400 dollars.
This is what the DOT is about, safety. My safety, your safety and the safety of everyone else on the road. But not all states DOT's function the same. For instance I once picked up a trailer in North Carolina from a well known soup company. It was a heavy load so I immediately headed for a public scale to weigh it. A truck and load can weigh up to 80,000 lbs legally, (Max gross weight). This 80,000 lb max is further broken down by axle. Steer 12,000, Drives 34,000, Trailer 34,000.
When I got my scale ticket I was happily under max gross weight but exceeded the max on my trailer by 40lbs. But when I went to adjust my tandems position to shift the weight I discovered I could not release the pins that secure it. The handle was gone! Okay I thought to myself it is only 40lbs, and I am well under Max gross. I was fine until later that evening when I saw the OPEN sign at the Virginia scale. And I wasn't really surprised to be ask to walk through their tunnel under Interstate 81 to come over to their scale house. I took all of my paperwork with me so I could explain. As soon as I entered the office Opie says “your over weight”.
“Yes sir I am aware of that”, I said as I presented him my copy of my public scale ticket. Explaining I could not shift the weight because of a problem with my slider. However I pointed out I am well under my max gross weight. (If the trailer had not been sealed I could have moved 40lbs of soup by breaking down a pallet.)
“So you can't fix it”, Opie asked?
“It is only 40 pounds, I said, but no I can not fix it”.
The next thing I knew Opie handed me a form to sign and demanded $200 dollars for my 40lbs. That works out to $5.00 a pound, or $100.00 for each of Opie's brain cells. I paid the fine and went back to my truck about as mad as I have ever been. Displaying sign language to all of their cameras in the tunnel on my way back.
Needless to say I called Uncle Paul before leaving the scale. He said each state sets it's own tolerance. Oregon had a tolerance at that time of an additional 1,000 pounds per axle. He said it was Micky Mouse to fine a driver for 40lbs. Virginia that night joined Tennessee, California and Ohio on my list of corrupt DOT's.
On the lighter side not all DOT officers are inbred hillbilly's like Opie. As I said before most are professional to the core. But a family trait of humor was always on my uncles side. He told me that as he was approaching his retirement he shifted his hours to the evening. Because a Oregon State trooper and friend of his was working that shift as well. The trooper was also about to retire. At night the two aging bears (Officers) would meet out on interstate 5 and park. One facing north the other south. As they sat their talking they amused themselves by snapping their radar units on and off to see which trucks were using radar detectors. (Which are illegal in a truck) Neither was looking to stop anyone, that would mean putting their coffee down. No instead they both just laughed at how many brake lights they could cause.
But to show how divided we really are I'll relate one more story. It was back in 2002 and I had just picked up a load of frozen turkeys in Georgia. Knowing this was a heavy load I again headed straight to the public scale one exit north at Ringold Georgia. Between me and the truck stop scale was a State scale. But as I headed for the truck stop the northbound scale was closed, no problem. When I weighed I discovered that with half empty fuel tanks I still weighed 80,800 lbs.
I headed back to the plant to have them take at least 1,000 lbs. of the turkeys off the load. Wouldn't you know it, the south bound scale was open. As I pulled onto the platform a voice on the loudspeaker said, “park your truck and bring your paperwork inside driver”.
I thought to myself this can't happen twice. I walked inside and a young officer stood at the desk. He asked me if I knew I was overweight. I showed him the scale ticket I had just got at the truck stop which has a date, location and time on it. Explaining I had just loaded and was going back to have them remove the overage. I think he had every intention of joining Opie on my list. Then a older officer came from the back and tapped him on the shoulder took over.
Smiling he said, “You just loaded at the plant here in town. They do this to you fellas a lot”.
I told him I was headed back there to get my weight legal. He said he was going to run my paperwork and then he would send me on my way. As I waited another officer came in with a large box of doughnuts. I fought back the urge to smile or laugh, you know law enforcement and doughnuts. The older officer returned with my paperwork and asked where they doughnuts came from. The new officer said a driver had dropped them off at the north bound scale. Suspiciously the older officer carefully opened the box and took a look. While I thought to myself, wow that was really nice of someone.
“You having one”, he older officer asked the new one.
You could see the suspicion in their eyes. When the newly arrived officer declined, the older officer offered me one. Now I too got suspicious and declined instead taking my paperwork and being on my way.
I know that there was probably not a thing wrong with those doughnuts. Then again perhaps someone had been fined for a 40lb over weigh recently and decided to get even. Either way I'm pretty sure those doughnut's got thrown out eventually.
I can only add this. My moral compass points north, always has, always will. But I have seen a good many DOT officers whose moral compass pointed straight to the bank.
Practical Jokes Between Drivers
I used to run down to Wichita Kansas once a week delivering parts to a Tractor assembly plant there. It could have been a boring job if not for one person, my buddy Chuck. Chuck like me collected parts at several stops on the way down and delivered tractors on the way back. Chuck started his week from Gary Indiana but we both always arrived at the plant within a few hours of each other on Wednesday.
The nice part was we always ran back together as far as we could. Usually that night by returning to Beto Junction Kansas to park our trucks for the night. There we usually would grab a hot meal and hang out until retiring for the night. The next morning we had breakfast together and parted ways up the road to start our delivery's heading home.
The girls at Beto Jct. got to know us by name since we were regulars at the truck stop. And what follows are just a couple stories about that place.
As I have said we always dinned at the truck stop on our return trip. I noticed that a new woman who was working in the restaurant had taken a shine to my little pal. That and the fact that she was a somewhat unattractive woman got me thinking. Some might say it was a cruel joke, others might think it was a carefully constructed prank. You must be the judge of that.
First I must describe this woman. Imagine a woman in her thirty's with a lovely hourglass shape. Nice start right? Then take the most hillbilly looking near toothless smiling face and top that first picture. Top that with shoulder length unkempt blonde hair. Now I would be the last person in the world to call any woman ugly. But if you can remember who Phyllis Diller was. She would have almost been a super model beside this gal.
I noticed that almost every time we stopped she would end up being our waitress. That or at least stop by our table to say hi to Chuck. One weekend while I was home I did a little shopping and prepared to have some fun. The next week as Chuck and I ate she continually was checking to see if we needed anything else.
I think she was starting to make Chuck nervous. Finally Chuck put a tip under his plate, grabbed his shower bag and left to shower. I waited and watched as he headed out to the hall. Once he was out of sight I took the card I had prepared and placed it with his tip under the edge of his plate. When his friend returned she ask if I needed anything and started to clear Chucks dishes. Finding the card she stopped and ask me, “is this for me”?
Playing innocent I simply said, “it's not for me”.
I watched as she opened the card and showed it to the other girls. Quickly I left a tip and scurried away to pay my bill and take a shower.
Now in case anyone was wondering what was on the card it was simple. I had written,
Why don't you come down and visit me after you get off work tonight? Tom and I are always parked side by side in the back row, then I noted Chucks tractor number. I knew she already knew what company so I didn't have to note that but you could find one of those trucks in the dark. Their equipment almost glowed in the dark being safety orange.
With the trap set I hurried to get back to my truck after I showered. There I lay in my top bunk watching TV The top bunk because from there I could watch out the upper windows in my condo sleeper. I was starting to get tired and about to give up when she finally appeared. Discreetly she knocked on his door. I was glued to my window now to see what his expression would be. However there was no answer. So she knocked again a little harder. But still no answer. Then she really hammered on his door. I was already laughing uncontrollably when I noticed Chuck in his upper window flipping me a bird.
Failing to get Chuck's attention she started knocking on my door. Thinking fast I hopped down from the bunk and went to the window.
“Is Chuck in his truck”, she asked me?
“He is, I said, but he has been fighting some kind of bug. I think he took a bunch of medicine and went to bed a while back”.
“Could you give him a message for me”, she asked?
“Sure”, I said being the best friend.
“Just let him know I stopped by and tell him I said thanks for the card”.
“I'll do that”, I said as she walked away.
The next morning I couldn't even get Chuck to go in for breakfast. I couldn't even get him to stop until we got to Columbia Missouri. When he did finally stop he could only keep repeating, “I'm gonna get you for that one”.
The Bonner Springs Incident
Or
Shut up Chuck I want to eat
As Paul Harvey used to say, “and now for the rest of the story”. On rare occasions some of the victims of my joking have felt it necessary to get even. Admittedly there have been some good ones over the years. My pal Chuck probably pulled me best one to my memory following a prank I pulled on him in Beto Jct. Kansas. He did it right too, he waited until I felt comfortable. Until I had let my guard down. This is key if you hope to prank a prankster.
It started at the Case tractor plant in Wichita when we were picking up our loaded trailers. Looking over my manifests I had a long ride before making my first stop on the return trip. However Chuck's return load started delivering just outside Kansas City in the town of Bonner Springs, Kansas. We always compared our loads at the plant so we would know how far back we would be able to travel together.
I had been to the dealer in Bonner Springs before. And told Chuck I would write down directions to the place later when we stopped at the TA. Now Chuck started referring to the place as Boner Springs jokingly the moment he saw his manifests. That was just Chuck, and among drivers it was a funny play on words I guess. Probably not that funny if you live there. Kind of like living in a place like Climax, Michigan, or Tucumcari New Mexico pronounced too- come-carry, or Effingham Illinois.
So this is how we started out from Wichita that day. As I said I had completely let my guard down as well. As the sun started to fall away towards the horizon Chuck followed me into the TA and down to the lower dirt lot where we always parked. We enjoyed the little show we put on each week as I would swing my truck into position and wait. Chuck would swing his truck alongside. Then together we would both back up side by side. Sounds easy but it could be a quick road to an accident. And it usually drew some kind of praise from drivers who saw it.
Once we were parked I quickly jotted down the directions for Chuck, locked my cab and walked around to his truck.
He couldn't have picked a better night to mess with me. I was starving. I had started my day in Jefferson City Missouri. Aside from a doughnut I had eaten that morning I had nothing else all day. As we entered the truck stop building I stopped to chat with Joann a minute at the fuel desk. While Chuck did a recon of the restaurant to make sure his girlfriend from my prank wasn't working.
When he returned smiling I knew she was off that night. So as we always did we walked in and grabbed a booth near the windows facing the road. Right away a pretty young girl came over to our table. “Hi fellas, my name is Kelly, she said as she handed us our menu's. What can I get you to drink”.
“Coffee”, I said instinctively. Why I don't know because in a short time I would be trying to get to sleep. Chuck nodded agreeing to the same. The smiling young girl walked away as I soon started drooling over the menu.
A few minutes later she returned with a small pot for the table. She was still in high school I'm guessing. Seventeen on the edge of eighteen, innocent and naive. She could not have imagined what was about to happen. Before she could start taking our orders, my pal the pigmy asked, “How far to Boner Springs from here”?
The poor girls face flushed as she was taken off guard. I know I was grinning but quickly spoke up saying, “he means Bonner Springs”.
Recovering her composer she started to tell Chuck how to get there and approximate mileage. But Chuck continued saying, “I just don't want to miss my delivery time in Boner Springs”.
Realizing he was messing with her she silently turned and walked away. “Oh good job there Chucky, I'm hungry so enough with the Boner Springs stuff”, I told him.
I got a little concerned when I saw the young girl talking to one of the older waitress's. Then the older woman started towards our table. Seeing this I told Chuck, “knock it off I want to eat tonight, and not at Taco Bell”.
When the older woman got to the table she had a stern look on her face and asked, “is there a problem here”?
“No ma'am, I said, I am ready to order”
But before she could reply Chuck did it again, “perhaps you could tell me how far it is to Boner Springs”.
Standing her ground she replied, “it's Bonner springs”.
By this point I am trying to kick the little weasel under the table. But before I could he said, “that's what I said, Boner Springs”.
Without a word the woman spun around and walked into the kitchen. “Thanks Chuck now you have pissed her off too, I said. I'm not kidding here, I'm hungry and not for fast food. Don't you dare get us kicked out of here”.
About then a manager emerged from the kitchen as the the two waitress's stood by that door watching. This was it, and I told Chuck it was time to stop.
The manager came to the table and said, “I understand there is a problem here something about Bonner Springs”?
“No sir, I said, my friend was having a little fun but he is done now. I'm just hungry and want to eat”.
“It's over then, he asked?
“Absolutely”, I replied.
“Okay then, he said, I'll send your waitress back over then”.
As the man started to turn to walk away Chuck said, “oh just one thing. How far is it to Boner Springs”?
Lucky for Chuck he found a seat by the window in the Taco Bell and could wave at me while I ate my dinner that night.
